--5985--

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a very beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, "I have a proposition for every single man here. I will give $1,000,000 or my daughter to the one man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he had. The crowd cheered him on as he kept swimming. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy, that was simply incredible! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the money?" The man replied, "Listen, I don't want your money! I don't want your daughter! I just want the name of the person who pushed me in!"

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

--5986--

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well-behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The general manager of the ballclub was a little leery of this. The recreational director asked, "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The general manager agreed. The group of inmates came into the office and sat down. The recreational director shouted, "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up. He then shouted, "Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down. He then shouted, "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around. Pleased with that, the general manager let agreed to let them into the game. In the third inning, the general manager heard a tremendous commotion! People were in a panic! He asked what happened and was told that someone had yelled, "Peanuts!"

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

--5987--

Q. Did you hear about the Viagra robbery at the drug store?


A. The police are looking for a hardened criminal!

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

--5988--

Did you ever notice when you put the 2 words "THE" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS?!"

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

--5989--

Q. What's the difference between the short and long income tax forms?





A. If you use the short form, the government gets your money.



If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

--5990--

Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was exhausted after spending all morning teaching a young Luke Skywalker the ways of the Force. Obi-Wan decided to treat his student to lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant, where they could eat and continue Luke's studies. Upon arriving, Obi-Wan ordered two bowls of hot and sour soup and sweet and sour chicken. The waiter brought the two Jedi their soup first. As Luke slurped up his soup spoonful after spoonful, Obi-Wan patiently continued Luke's lessons in the ways of the Force. Between each spoonful, Luke nodded as he listened and understood his master's teachings. The waiter then brought the two Jedi their sweet and sour chicken. Obi-Wan continued teaching, but noticed that young Luke was distracted. Luke couldn't seem to grasp how to use his chopsticks. Obi-Wan tried to proceed with his teaching, only to become frustrated as Luke continued to struggle with his chopsticks. Luke kept trying to pick up his food with the chopsticks, only to watch his food fall back onto his plate, onto the table or in the floor. The entire time Luke was completely ignoring his Jedi teacher. Finally, Obi-Wan couldn't take it anymore. It was then that Obi-Wan told young Skywalker the most important lesson he would ever learn as a Jedi: "Use the forks, Luke! Use the forks!"

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

--5991--

Hillary Clinton went to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she was pregnant! The senator was furious! She was in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this had to happen to her! She called home and got Bill on the phone. Hillary immediately started screaming, "How could you have let this happen?! With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you?! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what do you have to say for yourself?!" There was nothing but dead silence on the phone. Hillary screamed again, "Did you hear me?!" Finally she heard Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, Bill said, "Who is this?!"

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

--5992--

President George W. Bush was in an airport lobby when he noticed a man in a long, flowing white robe with a long, flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. Excited, George W. approached the man and asked, "Aren't you Moses?!" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. G.W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?!" The man continued to stare at the ceiling. George then tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?!" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am!" George W. asked him why he was so stuck up. The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush, I had to spend forty years wandering in the desert!"

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

--5993--

The Potato family sat down to dinner. Missy Potato looked at her parents and said, "Mom and Dad, I have big announcement. I'm going to get married!" The happy Momma Potato asked, "Who is he, dear?!" Missy Potato replied, "I'm going to marry Peter Jennings!" Without hesitation, Poppa Potato jumped up at screamed, "NO! I won't allow it! No daughter of mine will ever be allowed to marry him! Missy Potato started crying and asked, "Why Daddy?! Peter Jennings is such a nice man and he will provide for me well!" Poppa Potato responded, "That may be true, but Peter Jennings is just a commentator!"

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

5994

__________________
"Only the united beat of sex and heart together can create ecstasy" ~Anaïs Nin


"The full moon is calling, the fever is high.
And the wicked wind whispers and moans.
You got your demons, you got desires
Well, I got a few of my own"
~The Eagles

--5995--

Two starving vampire bats were sitting on a roof wishing that they had some blood to drink. The first vampire bat said, "I can't wait anymore! I'm flying out there to find some blood!" With that, the vampire bat took off into the distance. Ten minutes later, the vampire bat returned to the rooftop with his face covered in fresh blood! The second vampire bat asked, "Hey! Where in the world did you get all of that blood?!" The first vampire bat said, "Look out there. Do you see that big tree limb about 50 yards away, and 10 feet off of the ground?!" The second vampire bat squinted, looked and said, "No, I don't see it!" The first vampire bat said, "Funny. Neither did I!"

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

5996

__________________
"Only the united beat of sex and heart together can create ecstasy" ~Anaïs Nin


"The full moon is calling, the fever is high.
And the wicked wind whispers and moans.
You got your demons, you got desires
Well, I got a few of my own"
~The Eagles

--5997--
A tourist in Vienna was walking through a graveyard on Halloween night when all of a sudden he heard some music. No one was around, so the tourist started searching for the source of the music. The tourist finally located the source of the music. The tourist discovered the music was coming from a grave with a headstone that read: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. The tourist then realized that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, the tourist left the graveyard and persuaded a local resident to return to the graveyard with him. By the time they had arrived back at the grave, the music had changed. This time it was the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it was being played backwards. Curious, the men agreed to consult a local music scholar. When they returned to the grave with the expert, the Fifth Symphony was playing, again backwards. The music expert noticed that the symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed: the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. Within hours, the word had spread, and a crowd had gathered around the grave. The crowd was listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambled up to the group. Someone in the crowd asked him if he had an explanation for the music. The caretaker replied, "Oh, it's nothing to worry about! He's just decomposing!"

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

5998

__________________
"Only the united beat of sex and heart together can create ecstasy" ~Anaïs Nin


"The full moon is calling, the fever is high.
And the wicked wind whispers and moans.
You got your demons, you got desires
Well, I got a few of my own"
~The Eagles

5999

__________________
"Only the united beat of sex and heart together can create ecstasy" ~Anaïs Nin


"The full moon is calling, the fever is high.
And the wicked wind whispers and moans.
You got your demons, you got desires
Well, I got a few of my own"
~The Eagles