At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."

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There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

LMAO, what a wonderful way to start the morning!

3 guys are sitting in a bathtub. One of them sees some semen floating in the water and says, "Who farted?"


A kid walks into a grocery store and asks the shopkeepr, "Do you have any laundry detergent?" The owner tell's him yes and asks what kind of laundry he'll be doing. The kid replies, "Not laundry, I'm washing my dog." The owner chuckles a bit, then gets some laundry detergent for him and tells the boy, "Be careful, this stuff is strong."
The next day the boy comes back and the owner asks him how his dog is. The boy informs the owner that his dog is dead. The owner says to the boy, "I told you that stuff was strong." The boy replies, "No, I think it was the rense cycle that got'im."


This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench. The man decides that this is the perfect opportunity for a proposal. The man gets up and bends down on one knee. He looks deeply into the womans eyes and says, "Two questions, my dear: first, will you marry me?" The woman is overjoyed and happily agrees and asks, "What is the second question?" The man replies, "Will you help me up?"

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-Oz

A little joke that goes a little with this Thread.



Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife,Alma,
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her
tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed,
and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, when Paul was getting into bed, he realised he now had
only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I
have to get up in the morning! You don't."

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_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?" Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent." Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city." So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!" So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?" The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting "DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN! DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!"

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There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

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There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

Not sure if I saw this one on the board before...
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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did....." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you....."

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-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.

So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"

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There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, Come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they share a few hits.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river. Once at the river, the lizard is so stoned that he leans over and falls into the water.

A Crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard, and helps him to the side; then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking ajoint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says....
"Shhhhiiiiiiitttttt.......DUDE,.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Steph,

Excellent!

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Eudaimonia

A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good so they sign up for lessons.

The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards!

Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold like you would hold your husband's dick." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth."

ROFL DB!

This one's pretty cheesy but hey, it's about sheep!

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with
his farm ... especially, the difficult task of
castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep
them from breeding with the females.

He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English
but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated
14 sheep and his French worker was just about to
throw away the severed "parts" when the sheep farmer yelled,
"No -- Don't throw those away -- My
wife fries them up and we eat them ... they're
delicious, and we call them 'Sheep Fries'!"*

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for
supper and, indeed, he thought that the "Sheep
Fries" were very tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and that
evening they all settled down to another supper of
"Sheep Fries".

On the third day, however, when the sheep farmer
came in for supper, he asked his wife where the
French hired hand was.

"You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said.

"I told him that since there weren't that many
'Sheep Fries' this evening, we were also going to
have French fries ... and he ran like his ass was on
fire!"

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me adults don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."


Live Life, hearses don't come with luggage racks.
The second mouse always gets the cheese

'Almost' True Story...

A South Georgia farmer dies and, being a heathen, goes to Hell. When he gets there it's 95° with 90% humidity. But Satan notices he's kicked back on the brimstone relaxing comfortably. He asks, "Why aren't you miserable like everyone else here?" The farmer replies, "Oh, this is like a warm spring day in south Georgia. I like it."

Angry, Satan turns up the thermos until it's 100° and 95% humidity. Still, the farmer's happy. "This is like a good June day on the farm. Not bad at all."

Furious, Satan turns it up to 105°and 99% humidity. Everyone is even more miserable, except the south Georgia farmer still laying there resting. "Hey, this is like a good August day on the farm bailing hay. Feels good." "The hotter the better."

In a total rage, Satan turns the thermostat down to minus 25°F. Within seconds, the air becomes chilly and frost appears, soon followed by solid ice everywhere. Satan smirks, watching the farmer.

The confused farmer looks down at the frozen ground for a moment, suddenly jumps up excitedly, looks around everywhere, realizes that Hell has frozen over, and begins to laugh, jump for joy and scream.

"Georgia beat Florida! Georgia beat Florida! Georgia beat Florida!"