Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Kaelynn
Thank all of you for all your advice.
Just to clear something up, I don't openly discuss everything I am into or my personal life in general, only if I am asked point blank, even then my answers can usually be taken two ways, so it isn't like I brag or tell everyone I come in contact with, I do refrain from saying a lot.
The problem is this girl that is doing this to me has been my friend for three years now, and she asks me point blank, I can't lie to her. She even presses me for specific details about things. She sees what I do as wrong and recently has been really obsessed about changing me. I don't feel I have to change, she just has to be more accepting of me. I love this girl to death, we have been through a lot together, and she is too important to shut out.
At the same time, she hurts me... a lot. I just don't know what to do about it.
|
Hi Kaelynn,
We've got some pretty smart people here at Pixie's, and I think you've come to the right place and received some really good advice...in as much as can be deciphered from the information you provided. We aren't there...in your shoes...when this dilemma is going on for you, but we try to walk in your shoes and provide advice as to what we might do in the same circumstance. This tidbit I offer is just that...my walk in your shoes and what I would do if it were happening to me!
This seems to be much more a problem for your g/f to cope with, than it is for her to want to "help" you. What I mean is...she is using her ideals and morals and taking it as a personal wrong in her life, something she would never do and therefore it must be wrong...instead of remembering we are all individuals and are responsible for our own actions. It sounds to me (from the info you supplied) like she is a very religious and/or moral person. That she wants to change you is her way of showing her love for you. The thing that I dislike about people like this is that they cannot/will not allow themselves to think that what they believe isn't necessarily true...but their own interpretation of the truth as it applies to them. If they've interpreted "it" as the way to live for them...then it surely must be the way everyone should interpret/understand "it"...whatever "it" may be. And if we don't...we are wrong and need to be steered in the right direction.
In a way it's sorta sad for her, because she has pidgeon-holed herself into a life that will never allow her to think off the cuff...think for herself...and be spontaneous and open-minded. She'll always have to resort to "the book" (whichever book she gets her ideas from...it just may be the book of upbringing) and be herded into a life that was written by someone else in order to "keep us all in line".
My mother always taught me..."Don't inflict your likes and dislikes on others. Instead, respect and tolerate the differences...fore, you may learn something in the long run". Mom was a REALLY smart woman!
As to how I would handle this situation if it were me? I'd thank your friend for caring enough to worry about me and my well being. I'd tell her that her fears are unfounded however, and that her efforts might be better served if she opened herself to the idea that life is for living...we are sexual beings and that fact cannot be denied in any book ever written. Of course, if your way of life was leading you to become a serial killer or something of that nature, you might appreciate her steering you in another direction. But since there has been no harm-no foul...it shouldn't concern her to the point of obsession. There are far worse things going on in this world that she could expend her energy on.
When she wants to talk about your sex life...just tell her that at this point it's just rhetoric because she has no basis of comparison. Her one-sidedness makes it argumentative and hurtful instead of helpful. I'd word that a little more delicately though...lol! If she is religious and is using that as her back-up...ask her to "judge not, lest she be judged"...or if she is "without sin", go on and cast her stones! Who amoung us is truly "without sin"? Tell her you've been hurt by her judgements and would really appreciate it if she could accept what already is (you being sexual) and that cannot be changed. Ask her, if she can't live with that knowledge, wouldn't it be better to not talk about it anymore? What's done is done and there is no way to get your virginity back...not that you'd want it back...but it'd be preposterous to act like losing it never happened! Hug her! Hug her long and hard...and tell her you understand her concerns but they are just that...her concerns...and you are there for her, to help her work her way through them, should she need you! Ask her if she thought it would help her if you started "recruiting" her to your side. Ask her if she'd be hurt or offended if you became obsessed with helping her lose her virginity. The pendulum swings both ways, ya know! Then just hug her again and tell her that, even though you know she has your best interests at heart...they are YOUR interests...and you'll be there for her if/when they become hers as well!
My 2 pennies!