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And now for something, completely different...

Freaky Tales ~ Too $hort (The flow is slow, old skool)

These are the tales, the freaky tales...
The tales that I tell so well...

I met this girl, her name was Joan
She loved the way I rocked the microphone
When I met Joan, I took her home
She was just like a doggy all on my bone
I met another girl, her name was Ann
All she wanted was to freak with a man
When I met Ann, I shook her hand
We ended up freakin' by garbage can
The next young freak I met was Red
I took her to the house and she gave me head
She likes to freak was all she said
We jumped in the sheets and we broke my bed
There's another girl, her name is Mary
Talk about sex and the girl act scary
I heard she was freakin' for my homeboy Jerry
Took her to the house and I popped that cherry
Young and tender, sweet Denise
Get her in the bed and the girl's a beast
I tell you, homeboy, If you get a piece
She only talks about signin' a lease
I met this tender, her name was Lori
an X-rated movie wouldn't tell her story
She had a twin sister, her name was Lisa
And just like Lori, she's a real dick pleaser
My girlfriend's name was Michelle,
Her booty was bigger than the tail on a whale
When I freaked Michelle, I freaked her well
Her pussy got hotter than flames in hell
I g'd this girl, her name was Tammy
I didn't wanna do it cause the bitch was flammy
She had a best friend, her name was Jane
I pulled to the side and I spit that game
I met a lot of freaks in my lifespan
Freaked one night with a girl named Pam
The very next day I saw her with her man
One week passed and I was in her again
I had an old tender, her name's Janie
She was thirty-two and I was only eighteen
She likes to freak, she's just a fiend
It really didn't matter when I saw her in jeans
I wanna big freak, fat and sloppy
I kick on back and watch her mopping
Two tons of fun, big mama jama
A country-girl from Alabama
I met this freak, her name was Beth
Her pussy got wet and it smelled like death
I was tired as hell, I was drippin' sweat
But I was all up in her tryin' to hold my breath
Bake... and... shake... us...,
I met this freak in Ve-gas
She said her name was Din-ah
She was a pretty little freak from Chi-na
I said I don't pimp, or gigolo
I'm havin' so much money that I don't need a ho
You can break yourself but you can't break me
You never met a player like $hort, baby
I knew a dick sucker named Betty-Jo
Took her to my home and we did it on the floor
The girl got freaky and I tell you more:
She was down on her knees beggin' to blow
She's like another freak, named Renee
You get her alone and she'll make your day
Like Burger King, she knows the play
But a freak like Renee, you can have it your way...

These are the tales, the freaky tales...
These are the tales that I tell so well...

I met this girl, thick as hell
Only sixteen, said her name was Linell
I took her to my house, I could not wait
Her shit was much tighter than Central Safe
Let me tell you this since we talkin' young
I met another girl, said her name was Yvonne
Always talkin' about havin' fun
Once again at the pad I got it goin' on
I'm Sir Too $hort, couldn't be no punk
I try to get funky like female funk
So when you see me comin' or see me goin'
I keep my money, let the ho's keep throwin'
I once met a tender, she did it for free
On the Foothill bus number forty-three
All the way in the back she was workin' me
Had my big beatbox and I was jammin' the beat
I met this freak named Antoinette
Macked on the baby like an ice-cold vet
Everythin' she had is what I get
Cause I'm Too $hort, baby, I don't play that shit
I met another freak, her name was Rita
Baby thought that Too $hort just might eat her
I told her like this, she can suck my peter
Or even go home cause I knew I didn't need her
Scratched her name off my telephone book
Never again I took a second look
Cause the next young freak, her name was Sharon
She kept lookin', while I kept stairin'
Baby came through with my homeboy Darren
Her booty was stuffed in the jeans she was wearin'
She never left, he cut out
I know you all know what I'm talkin' about
There's a freak named Shannon, such a sinner
She smokes that pipe and she's gettin' thinner
Shannon is cool but her mind is gone
One fat rock and it's goin' on
She had another buddy, came by my place
Thick ass bitch, said her name was Grace
She walked in the door workin' lace
You shoulda seen that look that was on my face
She's like this tender named Belinda
Homeboys call her Belinda the Blender
She gave head like she made it up
She was twenty years old with a big round butt
Had a girl look like olive oil
Her father was rich and the girl was spoiled
When she got mad he blood would boil
But I rapped her all up like aluminum foil...

These are the tales, the freaky tales...
The tales that I tell so well...

Shiggity life...
Friday night...
It's goin' on...
Too $hort!!

Three weeks ago I met this freak
She followed me around like Mary's sheep
I hid around the corner and when she came
I grabbed her by the arm and I aksed her name
She said it was Anita, her man's in Santa Rita
I took her to my house and homeboy, I g'd her
Set her on the way, the very next day
Playboy $hort was ready to play
I bumped into this girl, her name's Rochanne
We hit the motel and got it goin' on
Holiday Inn to the break of dawn
When I took baby home, I freaked her mom
I knew this tender named Cherie
I took her to the house and let her freak on me
Baby was a fan, she loved my beat
But I wouldn't raise my leg and let her kiss my feet
I met this freak named Yolanda
Rolled baby doll like a brand new Honda
I was on top and she was up under
The bed hit the wall and it sounded like thunder
I once had a date with girl named Kitty
She was so fine with big fat titties
All night long she was actin' shitty
So i macked on baby like I was Frank Nitti
There's another girl, her name is Rose
I use to ride baby like brand new vogues
I never saw Rose wearin' clothes
She's a Penthouse pet, ready to pose
I was ridin' down the street when I met Janet
Her booty was bigger than the whole damn planet
Ass everywhere, I just can't stand it
Tried to palm it but I could not manage
I had this freak, her name was Bunny
Said I'm the only man who ever called her honey
Everythin' I did to her was funny
I macked on bunny and I took her money
Eight, tonight, a date, with Shirlie
She was really short and her hair was curly
If you saw baby you liked this girlie
She was so fine I went to get her early
Shirlie was freakin' like a girl named Rachel
Her bite was vicious and it sure was fatal
She liked to kiss all on my navel
Those are her lips on top of my label
I knew another freak, her name was Candy
Real big lips and they came in handy
I smooth got worked and it was so dandy
I hooked the broad up with my homeboy Randy
He did me a favor, in return
Gave me a lizard, said her name was Laverne
Baby got tossed then I got on
I grabbed the microphone and started to sing my song
My young homeboy heard me rap
And said he had way more freaks than that
So I told him like this: they might be freakin'
But, boy, you never had that T-P-Treatment...