HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Billy Ray, Duke and Slim.
I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

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“Sex is one of the most personal things we do as people. To have someone who says she loves you limit how you express yourself in the bedroom is like a small death. It kills the soul.” --Anita Blake to Jason Schuyler in "Blood Noir" by Laurell K. Hamilton