(((Kaelynn)))

Oh hon...you do what you have to do and just know that there is no wrong or right way to handle the loss of someone you love!

I am not religious and I do want a living will (I should get on that as a matter of fact)...but one has nothing to do with the other. Like Lilith, I am an organ donor...and I believe if my quality of life is such that all that is left to do is wait it out for me and cost my family pain and money, then I don't want to hang on and be the cause of that. If time will only take a worse toll on my body and on my loved ones emotions and there is no hope for me what-so-ever then I want to die with dignity, and ensure that any organs that can be harvested are viable and can do some good for the people who so desperately need them!

As to your mother and her "temporary insanity"...Kaelynn, she is clinging to those around her who she loves most to "hold her up" at a time when she feels she is falling so hard and fast. Her "selfishness", and your feelings of being "selfish" are completely normal in a situation like this. There is no way everyone can handle this loss with perfection because all of your emotions are just that...your emotions and her emotions! You won't be able to do everything your mother is asking of you...and that is ok. If you could write down what you said to us in your last reply (with a few tweaks), or tell your mother most of what you said to us...even in her fog she might somehow understand your feelings better and stop being so demanding on you. I can't guarantee it'll happen...and I can't say (only you know how she'll handle what you say to her) if it'll hurt or help...but it's my feeble attempt at trying to help you go down such a tough path in life.

It's been said that the dying cling to life for their own certain reasons...and I do believe they know they are dying...and I do believe that they need to hear that it's ok to go from the ones they love. I believe this because I was at my mother's bedside when she died...and she clung and clung till I finally told her to let go. I didn't want to do it for the same reason you don't...but I did it because I felt (at the moment) that she was waiting to hear it. I didn't want her to suffer any futher because of me. But...this is MY belief and if it isn't yours I am not saying to go against your heart!

One more thing...in a natural situation such as your grandmother's, I think that dying is hardest on the people not doing it! At the point that your grandmother is at, I'll go so far out on a limb as to say it might be euphoric for her now. This is to say that when the body begins to shut down I think that a calm comes over us and we are no longer suffering the pain and sadness that we might have in the earlier days.

We're born, we live, and we die...and all between is life with it's ups and downs. To everthing there is a season! I hope your happy memories outweigh your current saddness and that your sorrow is short lived!

(((Kaelynn & Family)))

__________________
Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they are open.

~Thomas Dewar~