2760

Gumor said to Selma. Selma can I put my finger in your bellybutton? Selma said "No."
Gumor asked her again Selma can I put my finger in your bellybutton? Selma said "No."

Gumor asks her again Selma can I put my finger in your bellybutton? Selma says "OK."

A minute later Selma says Gumor that's not my bellybutton. Gumor says, ''Suprise, Suprise! That's not my finger either.''

2761

There were these two guys at the pub, and one guy said to the other, ''Let's go downtown and get a couple of girls!'' So they went downtown that night, but the girls they found thought they were sleazy and decided to play a trick on them by slipping out and sticking blow-up dolls in the beds.
The next morning one of the guys said, ''I think my girl was dead, because she didn't grunt or groan when we were having sex last night.'' The other guy said, ''I think my girl was a witch, because when I bit her on the tit she hissed and flew away....''

2762

Q. Why are guys faster than girls?



































A. They have a stick shift and ball bearings.

2763

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

2764

What two men's hobbies require the most hand-eye coordination?




























Video games and porno.

2765

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

2766


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

2767

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends . One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.
When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St.Peter and said, "St.Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"

St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn''t make it to Heaven."

This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.

John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?"

"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''

2768

Q: Whats the difference between a modern woman and a computer?


A: A modern woman won't accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

2769

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"

St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"

The guy replied, "24 years."

St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."

The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

2770 gotcha!! *pffts and runs*

2771

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman s nipples for?
A: It's Braille for 'Suck here.'

# 2772


LOL

2773

woo these jokes are great

#2774

:p

OMG these jokes are too funny....

Thank you Jennaflower and Cabrylla

LMAO

2775

these are great, should have named it 1 million jokes!

i am on the floor lauphing hard you all.

have a great one

-mike

2776

A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck' to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed: "What the hell's the matter with you two?.Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!" The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes

2777

If men got pregnant:

Morning sickness would rank as the
nation's number one health problem

Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay

Children would be kept in hospital until toilet trained

Natural childbirth would become obsolete

All methods of birth control would be 100 per cent effective

Men would be eager to talk about commitment

There would be a cure for stretch marks

They'd serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes

Men wouldn't think twins were so cute

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10 p.m.

2778

nevermind!

2779

don't wanna offend anyone

2780






*snickers and erases this post just cause*

2781

LOL...will stop...am sorry they just cracked me up

2782

10 WAYS TO KNOW
YOU'VE HAD WILD SEX

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.


3. An earthquake of 5.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.


4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.


5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bedsprings.


6. You've both gone down one clothing size.


7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.


8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.


9. Boy, are you hungry!


10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

2783

Great visit with my cousin and his little guys . . . I wish I didn't have to work so I could spend more time with them.

2784

*taps my fingers and hmmms* should really go to bed i guess

2785

God i know ya'll have to be getting sick of me....must be scary to see me posting so much LOL


*WOOOHOOO I HIT 200*

2786

Big yellow smile, we know you're posting! :)

2787

am still here...should really sleep :D but not sure if i can give up this thread yet LOL

2788

plop plop fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is...

2789

I do believe i have gone crazy due to lack of sleep

2790

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

2791

There was a cat and a rooster wondering by a lake. Both were famished, looking for any food they could find, but to no avail. Later on, the rooster finds himself focusing upon a worm, inching its way nearby. The rooster then proceeds to chase and then pounce on the worm, eating it quickly. Resting after his meal, he rubs his belly in pure satisfaction.

The cat looks at the rooster and thinks to himself, "Well, if he can do it, I can do it." Not long after the rooster eats his worm, the cat spots a mouse scurrying nearby the lake. The cat raises its tail, arches its back, and with all its might, attempts to pounce on the mouse, only to end up in the lake.

What is the moral of the story?

Where there is a satisfied cock, there is a wet pussy...

2792

http://www.sexthermometer.com/

2793

Off to bed for me! Let's keep on posting, Pixies!

2794

just had to share

http://www.namethatsextoy.com/

2795

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

2796

Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

2797

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh,... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,... but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said,... "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"

2798

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

2799

okay just one more