8360

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

8361

For every 'normal' webpage, there are five porn pages

8362

The word "fuck" is actually an acronym. It dates back to the Good Old Days, when England was severely underpopulated due to the usual combination of fire/war/plague, and the King issued an official order to... well, fuck, to replenish the population. Hence the phrase "Fornicate Under Command of the King" passed into everyday language.

8363

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. A pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew and it is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky...unless of course, you played 'pig-tipping'.

8364

A medical study conducted in Pennsylvania showed that people who have sex once or twice a week have their immune systems boosted slightly.

8365

Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up(if you use a condom). It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

8366

Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

8367

Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM

(Would really like to see the studies on this one and on #8366) :D

8368

Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

8369

Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain. :hot:

8370

A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Ahhhhhhhhhhchoooooooooooooo! :D

8371

Little Johnny Strikes Again.. lol

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining this to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.


The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.


"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started hugging and kissing her I figured 'Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. this is when her fever started.


I knew it was a fever, because 'Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she'd ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down by the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis was brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.


Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.


Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

8372

Oral sex is on the rise amongst 12-14 year olds in the US and most believe that it is not in fact a sexual practice

8373

More than 60% of Australian males interviewed for the 1999 Durex Global Sex Survey said they prefer the woman to make the first move or to initiate the topic of sex

8374

Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

8375

Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

8376


Actual Hospital chart bloopers

Taken from actual hospital charts….

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (Ouch!!!)

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. (This chart was framed and now hangs on his wall. No pun intended.)

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. (He was a lawyer before)

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

8377

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side…You know what?”

“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck, why don’t you fuck off.”

8378

If you lived as a child in the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s or 70’s:

Looking back, it’s hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have…

As children, we had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or
cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. And we’d ride
in cars with no seatbelts or airbags. Occasionally a kid would drink a bottle
of pills or fly through a window, but hey, they aren’t around to wax philosophical about their childhood, now are they?

Those classic cars got about six miles to the gallon, by the way, damaging the environment and making the air unbreathable…

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never fat. We sure are now. 56% of us are overweight, and another 13% are grossly obese…

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms…we had really cool stuff like goldfish eating, sock hops, pet rocks, and practicing “duck and cover”.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it?

As parents ourselves, we maintain absolute control over our own children,
monitoring and filtering their consumption of said video games, movies, phones, computers, and chat rooms, denying them even a semblance of freedom or independence.

When we were kids, good ole “Jim Crow” laws barred Negros from access
to employment and to public places such as restaurants, hotels, and other facilities…

A woman’s place was in the home. If she was working, she was expected to be a secretary, a stewardess, or a nurse. Of course, she was paid almost nothing compared to a man…

Polio was rampant, killing thousands of fellow Americans and and disabling tens of thousands of others every year…

Remember polio?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. Like that one boy down the block who liked other boys…we kicked his ass good.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t, like girls, who can’t throw or catch, had to learn to deal with disappointment…. Some students, such as the colored children, weren’t as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade…horrors!

Racially-biased tests were not adjusted for any reason.

This generation has produced some of the most self-congratulatory, responsibility-avoiding, hypocritical bunch of crybabies ever. In 50 years we had an explosion of “me-ism,” greed, myopia, and self-indulgence. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we squandered most of it in pursuit of our own self-interests.

And you’re one of them.

Congratulations!

8379 and LMAO Cheyanne

8380

8381

;) Glad you like dicksbro

8382

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

8383

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader

8384

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

8385

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

8386

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

8387

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

8388

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

8389

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

8390

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

8391

Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

8392

This is an actual company memo... lol

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with time paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions

8393

Another memo.... lol

Subject: Company’s Position on "Streaking"
To: All Employees

The Management Has Adapted The Following:

1. Streaking will be permitted as follows: Female employees will streak on odd days, Male on even days. On payday, all employees may streak subject to the following:

2. Girls who have tattoos on the lower half of their bodies such as "sock it to me" or "What you see is what you get" will not be permitted to streak. Men with tattoos such as "Let it all hang out" will not be permitted to streak. Also, men with tattoos of butterflies, roses, or elves will streak with females.

3. Junior executives may carry briefcases while streaking, however, the usual rule applies --- Junior executives may never carry any business papers, but may carry the usual such as a box of Kleenex, lunch, wife's shopping list and playboy magazines, etc.

4. Girls with busts size larger than 36B must wear a bra while in the shop area or around any moving machinery. Girls with bust sizes smaller than 36B should not try to impress people by wearing a bra.

5. If you streak in any area where food is served, you must wear two hairnets. These will be available in the vending machines in the cafeteria.

6. In the event your physical make-up is such that your sex cannot be determined, such as flat chest for girls or long hair on boys you must wear a tag stating "I am a boy" or "I am a girl". Tags will be attached on girls with hairpins or paper clips, on boys with rubber bands; please return paper clips and rubber bands to stationary supplies after you have finished streaking.

7. Girls may wear jewelry while streaking but in no event should they bend over to retrieve it should it fall. (Due to insurance regulations).

8. No female beyond her seventh month of pregnancy or those wishing to become pregnant may streak.

9. No mixed streaking in dark hallways, broom closets, or under desks.

10. When streaking, do not tailgate.

Signed: The Management

8394

Wanting Breakfast in Bed............

John woke up one morning with an enormous erection so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little
boy into the room and asked him to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

8395

Variations of Murphy's Law... lol

1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

7. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.

8. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.

11. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.

13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.

14. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.

15. Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.

16. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.

17. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

18. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

8396

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagorus, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -Custer,1877

6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso,1926

5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima,1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!"
* JFK,1963

And,.....drum roll....... The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word.................

1st - "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"- Bill Clinton,1997

8397

Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials & Anna Nicole's show are prime examples.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

8398

LOL.. only 148 more posts to go til 1000!!! Can you all bear with me some more??? lol

:jump:

# 8399

You go girl!