5960

5961

5962

5963

5964

5965

5966
 

hmmm... I don't know that I like the implication there :(

5967... OK I'm over it...

Re: 5966
 

5968
No implication Hun...just a randon act of smilies...this one was next on my post list. How can I ever make it up to you?

~Eliz

5969

5970
 

that works :p

5971

The closest panty one I've found for PF

OK... the theme for the next 21 minutes (max) from me is "bad jokes"

5972

edit: all of these are from www.badjokesoftheweek.com... I'm just not that original...

A cowboy moseys into a saloon and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've all gone to the hanging." The cowboy asked, "Who are they hanging?" The bartender answered, "Brown Paper Pete." "What kind of name is Brown Paper Pete," the cowboy asked. The bartender explained, "Well, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper shoes." The cowboy said, &"That's weird. What are they hanging him for?" The bartender said, "Rustling!"

--edit: 5973 (not 4)--

So give us one!

5975

edit: --5975 (not 6)--

It was a little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was. She replied, "Happy Butt!" The teacher said, "Honey, I don't think that's your name. You need to go see the principal and get this straightened out." So the little girl went to the principal's office. The principal asked the little girl, "What's your name?" The little girl answered, "Happy Butt!" The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone, the principal looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt!" The girl then said, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!"

I'm slow, you're quick!

5976

--5977--

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Texan were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you! We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you and then use your skins to make a canoe! The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I will take ze sword!" The chief gives him a sword and the Frenchman yells, "Viva la France!" He then runs himself through. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please!" The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out! The Texan says, "Give me a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Texan takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the chest, everywhere! The Texan has blood gushing out all over! The chief is shocked. He asks the Texan, "What are you doing?!" The Texan replies, "So much for your canoe!"

I managed to screw the count back there... this is 5978

--5979--

Once upon a time an evil king captured a princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful, the evil king forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. "You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will come and rescue me!" The evil king replied, "Not in that thing!" She waited day and night, but it was just as the evil king had said. Every knight who saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgusting, smelly burlap dress. After many months, the princess broke down crying. The evil king taunted the princess, "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"

5980
 

nah, just bored and with a cable modem :D

--5981--


The captain of a pirate ship was sitting in his cabin when the first mate came to him and said, "There is a pirate ship on the horizon!" The captain replied, "Tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!" "Yes sir!" replied the first mate and went to fulfill his orders. The ship came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold. A week later, the first mate came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are four ships on the horizon!" The captain replied, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!" "Yes sir!" said the first mate and went to fulfill his orders. The other ships came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold. After they won the battle, the first mate went to the captain and asked, "Every time we go into battle, you wear your red shirt. Why?" The captain answered, "Well, I wear my red shirt so that if I get shot and start bleeding, the men will keep fighting, not knowing their captain is hurt!" The first mate said, "Wow! That is really smart!" Two weeks later, the first mate once again came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are 20 ships on the horizon!" The captain said, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my brown pants!"

--5982--

A group of theater students decided it would be fun to train a flock of chickens to perform Hamlet. After many hours of practice, it was time for opening night. Sadly just as the first patrons were starting to arrive, a group pf police officers arrived and shut down the theater. The police department would make no official statement as to why the action was taken, but it was believed that fowl play was suspected!

--5983--

A doctor used to visit the same bar everyday and he ordered the same drink day in and day out. He would tell the bartender, "Fix me an almond Daiquiri, Dick!" And Dick, the bartender, would serve it up. This went on for years on end. Finally one day, the bartender realized that there were no more almonds anywhere in his inventory. The doctor had just walked in and was waiting anxiously at the bar for his favorite drink. In a hurry, the bartender figured that he could substitute a hickory nut, crush it up and the doctor would never know the difference. The doctor took a sip of the drink and said, "Is this an almond Daiquiri, Dick?" The bartender replied, "Well, no, it's a hickory Daiquiri, Doc!"

--5984--

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly, Madame," he replied. Mary asked, "Is the restaurant still open?" "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from the menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and looked it over. "I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary. "Certainly, Madame," he replied. Mary then asked, "And may I have breakfast in bed?" The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs," Mary said. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully, and the next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The receptionist asked Mary, "Did you sleep well?" Mary replied, "Yes, thank you." The receptionist then asked, "Was the food to your liking?" Mary replied, "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was great. I don't think I've ever had better! Shame about the eggs, though. They really weren't that nice at all." The receptionist replied, "Perhaps you could contribute your thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion." "OK, I will," said Mary, who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see what Mary had written. She wrote: "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

--5985--

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a very beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, "I have a proposition for every single man here. I will give $1,000,000 or my daughter to the one man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he had. The crowd cheered him on as he kept swimming. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy, that was simply incredible! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the money?" The man replied, "Listen, I don't want your money! I don't want your daughter! I just want the name of the person who pushed me in!"

--5986--

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well-behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The general manager of the ballclub was a little leery of this. The recreational director asked, "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The general manager agreed. The group of inmates came into the office and sat down. The recreational director shouted, "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up. He then shouted, "Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down. He then shouted, "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around. Pleased with that, the general manager let agreed to let them into the game. In the third inning, the general manager heard a tremendous commotion! People were in a panic! He asked what happened and was told that someone had yelled, "Peanuts!"

--5987--

Q. Did you hear about the Viagra robbery at the drug store?


A. The police are looking for a hardened criminal!

--5988--

Did you ever notice when you put the 2 words "THE" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS?!"

--5989--

Q. What's the difference between the short and long income tax forms?





A. If you use the short form, the government gets your money.



If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.

--5990--

Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was exhausted after spending all morning teaching a young Luke Skywalker the ways of the Force. Obi-Wan decided to treat his student to lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant, where they could eat and continue Luke's studies. Upon arriving, Obi-Wan ordered two bowls of hot and sour soup and sweet and sour chicken. The waiter brought the two Jedi their soup first. As Luke slurped up his soup spoonful after spoonful, Obi-Wan patiently continued Luke's lessons in the ways of the Force. Between each spoonful, Luke nodded as he listened and understood his master's teachings. The waiter then brought the two Jedi their sweet and sour chicken. Obi-Wan continued teaching, but noticed that young Luke was distracted. Luke couldn't seem to grasp how to use his chopsticks. Obi-Wan tried to proceed with his teaching, only to become frustrated as Luke continued to struggle with his chopsticks. Luke kept trying to pick up his food with the chopsticks, only to watch his food fall back onto his plate, onto the table or in the floor. The entire time Luke was completely ignoring his Jedi teacher. Finally, Obi-Wan couldn't take it anymore. It was then that Obi-Wan told young Skywalker the most important lesson he would ever learn as a Jedi: "Use the forks, Luke! Use the forks!"

--5991--

Hillary Clinton went to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she was pregnant! The senator was furious! She was in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this had to happen to her! She called home and got Bill on the phone. Hillary immediately started screaming, "How could you have let this happen?! With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you?! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what do you have to say for yourself?!" There was nothing but dead silence on the phone. Hillary screamed again, "Did you hear me?!" Finally she heard Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, Bill said, "Who is this?!"

--5992--

President George W. Bush was in an airport lobby when he noticed a man in a long, flowing white robe with a long, flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. Excited, George W. approached the man and asked, "Aren't you Moses?!" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. G.W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?!" The man continued to stare at the ceiling. George then tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?!" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am!" George W. asked him why he was so stuck up. The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush, I had to spend forty years wandering in the desert!"

--5993--

The Potato family sat down to dinner. Missy Potato looked at her parents and said, "Mom and Dad, I have big announcement. I'm going to get married!" The happy Momma Potato asked, "Who is he, dear?!" Missy Potato replied, "I'm going to marry Peter Jennings!" Without hesitation, Poppa Potato jumped up at screamed, "NO! I won't allow it! No daughter of mine will ever be allowed to marry him! Missy Potato started crying and asked, "Why Daddy?! Peter Jennings is such a nice man and he will provide for me well!" Poppa Potato responded, "That may be true, but Peter Jennings is just a commentator!"

5994

--5995--

Two starving vampire bats were sitting on a roof wishing that they had some blood to drink. The first vampire bat said, "I can't wait anymore! I'm flying out there to find some blood!" With that, the vampire bat took off into the distance. Ten minutes later, the vampire bat returned to the rooftop with his face covered in fresh blood! The second vampire bat asked, "Hey! Where in the world did you get all of that blood?!" The first vampire bat said, "Look out there. Do you see that big tree limb about 50 yards away, and 10 feet off of the ground?!" The second vampire bat squinted, looked and said, "No, I don't see it!" The first vampire bat said, "Funny. Neither did I!"

5996

--5997--
A tourist in Vienna was walking through a graveyard on Halloween night when all of a sudden he heard some music. No one was around, so the tourist started searching for the source of the music. The tourist finally located the source of the music. The tourist discovered the music was coming from a grave with a headstone that read: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. The tourist then realized that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, the tourist left the graveyard and persuaded a local resident to return to the graveyard with him. By the time they had arrived back at the grave, the music had changed. This time it was the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it was being played backwards. Curious, the men agreed to consult a local music scholar. When they returned to the grave with the expert, the Fifth Symphony was playing, again backwards. The music expert noticed that the symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed: the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. Within hours, the word had spread, and a crowd had gathered around the grave. The crowd was listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambled up to the group. Someone in the crowd asked him if he had an explanation for the music. The caretaker replied, "Oh, it's nothing to worry about! He's just decomposing!"

5998

5999